Form an “O”, be unique and one.

On the way to go, happy carpooling, I am accompanied by an English-speaking Canadian and a couple of young French people in W.H.V. We share our past, desires, culture, dreams, and lives all over the world. The two lovers have been together for almost ten years. They met in high school and never left each other. Suddenly, my mind takes me back ten years. How would my life be today if I had stayed with my childhood sweetheart? Everything is scrolling before my eyes or behind my eyes, I should say. I’m trying to imagine ourselves together today if one February morning I had decided to continue. Everything is blurring, challenging to invent, to create, to imagine the present in another aspect. It would have been different, for sure. I would never have experienced all of that, the repeated trips abroad, which made me who I am. I smile. I love my life. I wouldn’t change a thing about it.
In no time, it’s the second couple my age that I met who are celebrating their decade together. They continue to realize their dreams together, move in the same direction, and have ambition, careers, and pleasures. These two couples are traveling around the globe right now. Relentless demonstration, so it is possible!
Romance-TV profiles, scattered hearts.
I arrived in New York roommate of my childhood friend. French people in V.I.E., internships, or looking for experience. Reverse diagram of couples on the verge of drift, separated by distance, language, culture, their ambitions. The stories of girls around a raclette, a glass of red in hand, follow one another and are similar. I passed my turn. I have nothing to say. Finally, my year of celibacy comforts me after hearing the laments of their little heart hurt, misunderstood, lost, tied up. Dilemma and betrayal, no thanks, I already gave.
I have been through this so many times, and I can only understand them. Yet I feel deep down that the stories I have experienced and heard tire and add me just thinking about it. Spend hours rereading each text after an argument, asking myself if I should answer, throwing him yet another pole; these endless discussions where everyone justifies themselves and stands on their ego. Manage physical, emotional, mental distance. I was feeling taken hostage, forced to bow to my desires, my ambitions, my values, to bow my back to restart the machine of love against all odds. This is all over.
A year of celibacy where I sought to complete who I am on my own.
As the novel “The Prophecy of the Andes” goes so well, we think that we are a “C” that will complement each other as soon as another “C” merges with us. Together we believe we form a whole, an “O”, a continuous circle. Thus, we are only complete through the other, exclusively through the other. As soon as the first tensions arise, we think of losing our union. As soon as the other leaves, part of us is missing. We became again an incomplete and dissatisfied half, torn and hollowed out. Whereas the reason for “being” is to find our own “O” within ourselves. Regardless of each other, To be one’s “everything”, be a fluid, balanced, infinite circle for oneself. Thus, we share our wholeness and become complementary because we exchange being whole individually and collectively. Alone and together. We were separated and reunited.
To complete in itself the part of the missing “C,” we need to be inspired, guided, accompanied by others.
All along the way, the construction towards our fulfilled being is plural and multiple. It is a long way from my “I don’t need anyone” phase of revolt. From my travels, I realized that I needed everyone. However, these other “C’s” will never be a part of me aiming to come and satisfy my need for togetherness within my individuality. “I am born alone, I live alone, I die alone”. I can be surrounded throughout my life by hundreds of people and yet feel as lonely as if I were lost in the middle of a desert.
Find the flame that is mine.
In the depths of the “C” missing in each of us is a particular light that distinguishes us and unites us within ourselves. Form an “O” to give me the serenity of being unique and one. Form an “O” to give unity to those around me. Show them this light that animates me, a singular and distinct glow. Offer them my differences, my balance, my power.
You are not by my side to complete me with a void but to accompany me with what you are as a whole.
I don’t need you to support me. You are not the crutch that I will lean on to move forward, at the risk of falling if you leave. You don’t need to put your bricks in place of the ones I miss. I don’t need you to live. I choose to live with you. I decided to exchange our shadows and our lights. Our joys and our wounds. To feed myself. To share. To share. Vibrate with standard energy. To enter into communion. Love yourself.
I choose to love you because you make a space vibrate in me where I feel myself spreading my wings towards even more authenticity, simplicity, freedom, power. You are my friend. You are my inspiration. You are a stranger. You are my lover. You are my lover. You are my collaborator. You are my boss, you are you. But you are not my life. I am in life. I am the life for me and for me.
I choose myself.
I choose to keep this current of energy that sets me apart from you in times when we no longer find each other. I prefer to preserve the life in me in these moments when your vibrations call my inner demons. I choose to continue to resonate with this life in me if you are no longer there. I pick myself if the “we” burn our respective wholeness. I prefer to recognize what I am, independently of you, independently of us. I am.
Maybe it will take months, if not years, before I can share who I am with someone who has that same vision of a relationship before being ready to live it entirely too. Not to let my fears, my emotional and mental patterns take over. Life has continued to teach me and guide me through my encounters and experiences to come and complete my own “C”. So far, everything has come together perfectly. I’m not afraid; when I’m complete and ready, another completed, whole, distinct “C” will come to me to share our sets.

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