I found my teenage notebook. I’m 19. My life is hell. No one knows, no one sees it, no one tells me about it.
Don’t think you know your teens. You don’t know what they’re going through in the secret of the night.
I wrote almost every night. I wrote so I could sleep. My demons inhabited me. To relieve myself, I didn’t take drugs. I didn’t sacrifice myself. I didn’t give my body to the boys. I didn’t kill myself. No, I was writing so I wouldn’t die. Tears on every page. Questions on every line. Renouncements of life. Sometimes stories of murder and suicide. Only happy things.
Yet on the outside, I am a girl who laughs, looks good, is open and friendly—nothing to say about my school results or my behavior. I wear the mask well.
“Oh… if you’re reading this, then I’m not in this world anymore. That I am dead, first of all, whoever you are, I do not regret my disappearance. I believe in a better world after death in this life. I especially think that it can not be worse.
Grief intrigues me. Why do people have this ability to experience more than just survival instincts? Why are we endowed with such intense and contradictory feelings, unlike other living beings? A man had to be born and differentiate himself from other animals. Let him feel and think. What purpose? Why is life on this Blue Earth? Why happiness and sorrow?
This letter is to tell you that I never found my way—a place where I could have flourished in peace with myself. I always felt like “not enough”. Not pretty enough, not funny enough, not smart enough, not brave enough, not generous enough, not ambitious enough, not disobedient enough, not party sufficient girl. Not enough of everything.
I always had the feeling that I made the wrong choices, that I chose my words wrong and that I was leading my destiny wrong. To lose myself in the decisions of others. And suffer from it. I never understood the reason for my existence among all human beings.”
A few pages later, I will be able to read that since November 2011,
I was considering giving it all up to become a writer. It had to, that it was one of my biggest dreams, and that if I did not respond to this impulse of writing, I was going to “miss a part of my life, as if I was making a mistake by denying a facet of myself”. Yet, I was paralyzed by the obstacles and the uncertainty of this path.
I am moved to meet this teenager again so far from who I am today.
Pages and pages blackened by discomfort, incomprehension, the desire for it to stop. Observe that everything was already there, expressed differently, of course, but the source was lively and very present!
Hundreds of photos of me that year, more of a woman than ever, as if to prove to myself that I exist, prove to me that I have a reflection, identity, and place.
What to tell him to this young adult who has lost the meaning of his life?
Life has so much to offer: patience!
In just three years, you will be making the best decision of your life. You will find the courage and the daring to make your dreams come true, everything you talk about and even the ones you don’t even dare to consider today. After traveling alone around the globe, you will publish a book about your adventures. Finally, you see you are going to become a writer…
Life has so much to offer. You are only the prototype of yourself, and there is everything to build, decide, and experience!
Growing up is learning to master this crazy energy that goes all over the place!
You are going through one of the worst times of your life. You will learn to understand, calm, control, and even play with these emotions, with these feelings of “too much” and “not enough”. They will become exact and powerful tools! And above all, they will calm down over time. It will be much more comfortable, don’t worry. It will all be behind you.
Friendship will give wind to your sails…
You will meet people of all ages and nationalities with whom to share and debate these existential questions that you ask yourself. You won’t find answers. Better, you will find the deep and vast feeling of entirely existing. That day, all of those metaphysical questions will stop haunting you. You will meet extraordinary people who will touch you to tears and transform you forever.
Go through the worst times of your life, to one day help others to do the same.
Better yet, it is because you have gone through such a difficult time of despair that you will be able to accompany others like you who are lost at any age in life. I. People who like you, at 20, have so many questions and so few answers—people who, like you, doubted their worth and wanted to stop everything.
And all of that is accepting the ups and downs of each wave.
Life will smile on you, Marion, and you will be challenged to grow, evolve, walk time and time again. You will even find yourself making the right decisions, the ones that will teach you lessons and guide you to the one you are deep inside.